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wishes

November 2010

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wishes

feeling foreign

the past few weeks have been full of me turning on myself
estranging the one i love
making assumptions while my self esteem spirals down in a tailspin of resent
i am angry with myself for how i am feeling
i am angry with myself for frustrating someone who loves me
for not being able to express myself clearly
for my apparent aptitude for self sabotage

life is full to overflowing with beautiful, inspiring success' and yet i'm convinced the bottom is about to fall out.....this, then leads to me jumping on it as though i might as well speed up the process, as though it were inevitable

there are so many confrontations with the self
and then trying the art of explanation with the other

i need to find the words that lead to articulating my wants, desires
i need to offer solutions that seem clear and concrete
i need to make a plan of action

it's not enough to just wait to feel better
it's not enough to simply get through it and hope it doesn't come back

on a brighter note, my body and i seem to finally be reacquainting ourselves. leaning into one another. acknowledging our long battle that the injury brought acuteness to. this brings me hope. as the pains decrease and the inflammation goes down i am filled with excitement. i need to do something that reminds me how to move again. i want my groove back. my sacrum, hips and pelvis are starting to remember how to work together. i want to dance. i know that it helps lead me to feeling sexy again. winning battles during wars has to count for something right?

....i keep thinking about belly dancing? any one know of a good, affordable class?
god, taking classes terrifies me. how did i get so tightly wound?


here's to the unravelations.

Comments

How much I can relate to your words, especially these past few weeks.

What a coincidence. I'm determined to dance this summer, and am too terrified to take a class alone with my out-of-shape belly and awkward hips. So I've just signed myself and my bud Leanne up for a little introductory bellydancing class at the Drive Dance Centre, June 21-July26, Sundays 130-230 pm. I *believe* it's $13 an hour (dance lessons as per my research around Vancouver are about this price, give or take a dollar)-- you register by email, then pay in person by cash or cheque. Please join us if this sounds good!
http://www.drivedancecentre.com/?page=class_info

I can relate to the condundrum of being faced with an opportunity for success and selfsabotaging. "See? I knew it would fail!" we cry as our best-laid plans crumple at our feet. It's fear, plain and simple. Though to be honest, if you're prepared for the worst, then go headfirst into it with both feet running (or hobbling quickly, in our cases) -- worst thing that could happen is you fail. Easier advised than done, though....

You are beautiful and strong and talented. Your only opposition is yourself. Your worst opponent is yourself. Here's to the battle.

Re: How much I can relate to your words, especially these past few weeks.

That sounds great! I'm going to register for those dates too.
YAY! Thank you so much for the words. I'm really quite thrilled with our budding friendship. It's so grand to have voices that echo validating remarks, I will do the best to return the favour.
Here's to growing in a garden rather than a small, lonely pot.

Thank you.
And yes, let's dance!
xo
jess
ha! when i read the first sentence, i thought you meant, like.. masturbation.
i hear you loud and clear, jess - and my heart reaches out to you & the struggle. sounds like we both need to get into some serious, pointed journalling (or counselling.. or meditation).
belly dance!!! it's time to get back into it..... i'm listening to my belly dance mix cd... and planning on going to an event at the dollhouse on saturday night - you should come (i sent you a fb invite)!
i suggest maybe getting a video from the library and learning some moves (or getting a friend to teach you in a park one night) and then putting on some songs that inspire you and just feeling the music...
lava is the best teacher around, in my opinion.
http://lavastudio.ca/home/
i might sign up for a class with her again... just have to get over my fear of the group dancing aspect.

have you thought about hooping?? it's kind of super fun and really great exercise.. give it a shot - it might be the kind of motion that you need.